had a fruitful afternoon doing maths. at least affirmed my knowledge for transformations and functions. gonna go gor a night long of maths after tuition bahz...
choices in life sometimes are so hard to make. i realized dat most of the time, i usually have justifications behind the things i do, somehow it juz have to be so. i sometimes wonder how come i even need reasons to send out certain smses at times. am i juz too guided by rules in my life?
was just talking to sis jo in the afternn b4 i went out. we did talk abt many many things in the very short time dat we spent conversing. of course, like many of my cc teachers and friends, she expressed concern for my studies. and somehow it went back to the question of my commitment in children church. she juz affirmed me that it is not cruelty or what, that i say no to my leaders esp when they are asking me to go back to help out this sat for our big day. i would love to go back but yet it is the season for my studies. now is the crux of my life at this very point. it is to make or to break. i would challenge myself to see how much and how far i can go usually but yet this is such a point that it would really spell what 2007 would be like for me. i just received smses from yh n bob asking for saturation, visitation and calling. i know dat they are not against me but somehow i do question if they understand my genuine concerns. they were the ones dat told me to go shine in my studies but yet. i really don't know. i miss my kids loads though. expectations?!?
on the other hand, it is true dat over the years dat i have challenged myself and see God coming true for me in my studies. somehow my study break hasnt really been like a study break for this time. still doing calling, visiting some of the kids etc. above and beyond dat, been helping dan n o levelers with their studies, giving bs and attending my own. not considering the prayer meetings dat i've been to. i would say dat i've stretched myself and did step out of my comfort zone. or has my faith somehow leaked?
serving should always be an outflow from within. i'm at a point where i don't want to end my 2006 like how it began. its true dat i've been doing more things, grown and stretched. but yet, i don't want to continue like that and wont be able to continue like that for 2007. it gets draining at times. and i know it is not just about faith but also wisdom in my life. i need fellowship. i dun want to slot ppl in into the free time dat i have but make time and hve time for them. this is not just a question about commitment but sth that flows from the heart. i need to focus and from there bear fruits. choices once again need to be made. dun like the idea of wanting to do so many things but yet so limited dat i cant put them into action.
there is no justification required that i went for a movie last night. i needed the getaway. even some might say or even i would say to myself at times, rui, it is a crucial time in cc and in exams. shouldnt you be either studying or saturating? i wont say dat i'm foolish or watsoever, but there are just simply different times in my life. i enjoy serving but i would hate for it be ever become an obligation or routine. it is not about compromising on my convictions and commitments but juz abt being who i am and acknowledging my own needs at times. i don't like the idea of pple always telling me how busy i am (though it may be true at times). i don't want it to be always the ministry rui, i need to be mary at times. not always the martha. it really helps with the friends that i'm ard with nowadays. with them, its really juz fellowship and encouragement from them. really thank God for that.
seasons are a neccessity in life to learn and to grow in character...
6:57 PM