there were three person that came to my heart and mind that i really wanted to ask for forgiveness and make restituition, for each of them value a lot a lot a lot to me - mummy, a leader and a friend.

and i realized how much courage it really takes to do it not out of an emotional hype but when it really comes out of a genuine decision to change. you may feel like running away and just forget about it. or even write an email or send an sms to the person and then count it over. the most difficult is probably to call or even to meet up the person face to face. but yet it is probably the one that shows the most sincerity.

i decided to call up the friend and i'm really thankful that i did. although i was very much tempted to just email the friend what i have prepared to say. i'm glad that i didn't and really really thankful that the friend was as encouraging as always and especially to God for the courage to even make the call and wrote down all that i wanted to say. the hardest was probably the saying part and not the writing part. there were parts that have not been 'scripted' but yet it also revealed the deepest of what was in my heart which otherwise might have remained hidden. pretty much that which is brought out into the open and into the light is the one that can recover the most. thank you for being so gracious to not have me to try to recover on my own but willing to take me in once again as your friend. i guess i have been pretty much wilful and stubborn.

thank you my friend for being so gracious to forgive and forget in that very instant. it was that fast even before i could even blink. but yet it also showed me what our friendship meant to us and the kind of person that you really are. you made it a whole lot easier as i embark on to the very next chapter of my life knowing that i have found a best friend in you. as you have said, the time apart is needed to do us good. and i thank you for the chance to start over the friendship once again. i prayed that this friendship is one that can be tested and be proven loyal. *clip clop*

and with mummy coming back in 14 hours, i look forward to be able to make restituition for what i said and what i did just before she left the country. and with the leader, i really hope to be able to draw closer to and serve alongside with...

and through it all, i'm thankful to God for putting it in my heart and giving me the courage to own up to what i have done wrong than to just leave it as it is. i know if it was just me, i would not have been able to own up and look at everything that i have said or done with such radical honesty and say that i am wrong. let time be the greatest test of the change in me. mould me and make me into what You want me to be; You are the potter and i am the clay...

and before i head to bed, i just felt that i have to write this down. i am just very much touched that how God answered my prayers in an email that i received. a wave of relief just washed over me, but above and beyond that, i am touched by how God knows and also the graciousness of her words. the email was written a few hours back but the reply came so timely. indeed, when much is forgiven, much is loved. i am finally seeing the light at the end of this valley that i plunged myself in somehow but God has never failed to take me in His right hand leading me on from that day i came before Him and repented.

there were depressing days (and today being one of it) but His love and presence just cam on stronger and even more tangible. i think i am beginning to comprehend the restoration that the others have been speaking of. Holy Spirit, help me to never ever forget this day where forgiveness flowed and you filled my heart once again with such faith and hope for the future, completing me in Your love. what more can i say when i know that i have someone like You watching over me, someone that i call Abba. You have been so real so real, more so than i could ever imagine in my entire walk with You. this season of encounters and revelations, i never would want it to end. i want to be like Ruth and Enoch who walked with You to the very end. thank You for blessing me with all that You have and showing me what i needed to see once again. *at total loss of words for the greatness and limitless of Your love for me...*

and thank you to all my silent blog readers who have been keeping me in prayers and your words of encouragements. you have been a blessing - and you know who you are...