i am just very much thankful for an abba that loves me so very much. a word that was spoken forth so timely, the unrolling of events and His ever reassuring presence and love.
there were three person that came to my heart and mind that i really wanted to ask for forgiveness and make restituition, for each of them value a lot a lot a lot to me - mummy, a leader and a friend.
and i realized how much courage it really takes to do it not out of an emotional hype but when it really comes out of a genuine decision to change. you may feel like running away and just forget about it. or even write an email or send an sms to the person and then count it over. the most difficult is probably to call or even to meet up the person face to face. but yet it is probably the one that shows the most sincerity.
i decided to call up the friend and i'm really thankful that i did. although i was very much tempted to just email the friend what i have prepared to say. i'm glad that i didn't and really really thankful that the friend was as encouraging as always and especially to God for the courage to even make the call and wrote down all that i wanted to say. the hardest was probably the saying part and not the writing part. there were parts that have not been 'scripted' but yet it also revealed the deepest of what was in my heart which otherwise might have remained hidden. pretty much that which is brought out into the open and into the light is the one that can recover the most. thank you for being so gracious to not have me to try to recover on my own but willing to take me in once again as your friend. i guess i have been pretty much wilful and stubborn.
thank you my friend for being so gracious to forgive and forget in that very instant. it was that fast even before i could even blink. but yet it also showed me what our friendship meant to us and the kind of person that you really are. you made it a whole lot easier as i embark on to the very next chapter of my life knowing that i have found a best friend in you. as you have said, the time apart is needed to do us good. and i thank you for the chance to start over the friendship once again. i prayed that this friendship is one that can be tested and be proven loyal. *clip clop*
and with mummy coming back in 14 hours, i look forward to be able to make restituition for what i said and what i did just before she left the country. and with the leader, i really hope to be able to draw closer to and serve alongside with...
God, open up these doors that You have shown me...
and through it all, i'm thankful to God for putting it in my heart and giving me the courage to own up to what i have done wrong than to just leave it as it is. i know if it was just me, i would not have been able to own up and look at everything that i have said or done with such radical honesty and say that i am wrong. let time be the greatest test of the change in me. mould me and make me into what You want me to be; You are the potter and i am the clay...
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change but the courage to change the things that I can. Let your glory be revealed through me in Your time...
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and before i head to bed, i just felt that i have to write this down. i am just very much touched that how God answered my prayers in an email that i received. a wave of relief just washed over me, but above and beyond that, i am touched by how God knows and also the graciousness of her words. the email was written a few hours back but the reply came so timely. indeed, when much is forgiven, much is loved. i am finally seeing the light at the end of this valley that i plunged myself in somehow but God has never failed to take me in His right hand leading me on from that day i came before Him and repented.
there were depressing days (and today being one of it) but His love and presence just cam on stronger and even more tangible. i think i am beginning to comprehend the restoration that the others have been speaking of. Holy Spirit, help me to never ever forget this day where forgiveness flowed and you filled my heart once again with such faith and hope for the future, completing me in Your love. what more can i say when i know that i have someone like You watching over me, someone that i call Abba. You have been so real so real, more so than i could ever imagine in my entire walk with You. this season of encounters and revelations, i never would want it to end. i want to be like Ruth and Enoch who walked with You to the very end. thank You for blessing me with all that You have and showing me what i needed to see once again. *at total loss of words for the greatness and limitless of Your love for me...*
and thank you to all my silent blog readers who have been keeping me in prayers and your words of encouragements. you have been a blessing - and you know who you are...
more than enough, You're, more than enough, You're more than enough for me...
Labels: comfort, encouragement, life lessons, relationships
2:15 AM
just wat is the distinction between nice and good?
kk has this thing against nice guys that he wld even start a campaign to fight against them. meeting a biz owner just affirmed that nice does not equate good.
a search on the merriam-webster's dictionary revealed the background of the word nice...
from Middle English: foolish, wanton; from Anglo-French: silly, simple and from Latin nescius ignorant. and all this while, people have been using the word nice in a positive way.
nice people generally don't know how to say no and make a stand. and nice people tend to end last. it is the good that gets ahead in life.
and the theory behind this?
i'll meditate and think more about it after exams. it is good food for thought. concepts and life principles to chew on...
and now, chapter 2 of cognitive linguistics...
Labels: life lessons, thoughts
1:48 AM
i'm giving myself 15 mintues to pen down some of my thoughts after finishing a paper in the wee hours of this morning, a meeting @ nebo and some curriculum writing. not forgetting the stack of books and papers that i need to read for the paper submission tmr.
for the past few days amidst the busyness, i've learnt a lot a lot of things, many of which are things that i used to practice, principles that i hold on to. and somehow due to insecurities, wanting to fit in and a whole lot of other reasons, i lost it. but i'm glad that i'm learning them again - how to live my life more humanly with joy and grace.
one of the thing i realized as we grow older is the loss of resilience that we used to have a s a child. looking at a toddler learning to walk sure teach us a lot about life. although they wobble and fumble and fall down time and time again, doesn't it make you wonder why is it that even when they fall, they will just get up again and minutes after start chasing you again in their wobbly-fumbly state? in fact, they seldom cry. they know that they are loved and embraced just as they are. they don't feel the need to have themselves covered up and protected. they have a larger-than-life esteem. and part of why they could grow in such a way is also attributed to the people that forms their environment. since when do we scold a two-year old kid stupid? since when do we get so angry and frustrated with them and start yelling at them?
my answer is almost never. people are so much more gracious towards their young ones before all the expectations starting setting in (i'm not even going into if they are realistic or not). we place confidence in them, giving them opportunities to keep trying and even when they fail, they are still fully accepted for who they are. and no matter what happens, we are encouraging and cheering them on. it is saddening how fear has gripped the hearts of many - fear of doing things wrong, fear of fumbling and fear of facing up to the truth.
many of them has so much potential that is within them but yet remains untapped. being bonded by fear, doubts and uncertainties being one of them. what has really stopped them in their tracks? and what has stopped you in your track?
i feel that all of us need cheerleaders in our lives just as our parents were. people used to call me naive, being overly optimistic and positive, to the extent of being unreal. but what's wrong with that if i really geniunely believe in what i say. when i say that i believe you can do it, there is no second guessing that you can't in my heart. i know the world is imperfect and many times things don't go our way. but does this then entitles us to just sit there and wait for things to fall into place to do something, to influence change? just like when we were babies, we didnt wait for a perfect divine moment to start walking, we just did it. and in our lives now, even as a young adult, we just need to do it at times and not miss the moment - the opportunity toi live our lives to the fullest.
let us all learn to be cheerleaders in our lives. our compliments and words of encouragement/affirmation have seemed to be substitued by sacarsam and criticisms. the next time you criticise, think how is it empowering the person to become better. if it isn't, then just hold your peace. if it is not going to add to someone's life, it is very likely that it will subtract or even divide someone's life up. all of us can help each of us become better people and cheerleaders by learning to say thank you, sms our appreciation or even telling someone 'you can do it'. to qualify myself, please mean it from your heart. you won't want someone to feel that you are doing for the sake of doing it. and if we need to 'criticise', let's learn to say it in love, giving positive and constructive feedback and not to judge, condemn or tear down someone's ego. and together, we can have a much more loving and conducive environment to become better people to change our world and society.
it is only human to want to be stroked and loved. wei once told me that everyone needs a few hugs today to be NORMAL and 14 hugs daily to become better. hugs need not be physical, but also verbal. our words of encouragements act like hugs to people. they are love units depositer.
we can all become more loving people!
p.s. i need my share of hugs too. not just to give but to receive.
thanks yang and alicia for the hugs!
Labels: life lessons, love, thoughts
5:33 PM
hmm. its friday!
there will be a SPK 'meeting' later. and the previously 'dreaded' court hearing.
the day before and the day itself is always a big struggle for myself with my emotions. so was just talking to barry last night. he was just telling me abt an adult and maturity.
as a growing-to-be and mature adult, one needs to learn to take responsibility and ownership over things that happen. some things, such as ur family, cannot be changed. you just got to live with it. yet, don;t ever victimize urself. it is one of the most foolish things you can ever do to urself. but wat i as an individual can do, is taking my knowledge of the whole family, act on it and try to make things better.
i need to overcome the fear that i have been under previously and once again acknowledge God's sovereignity in my life. He has been more than wonderful. He is there whenever i called upon Him.
anyway, got a blue slip frm mdm khoo. will gotta forfeit my outing with the ki peeps. spoke to daddy this morning and i concluded that none of us wants this matter to drag on further. for me, it always ends up to be emotionally and physically draining on the day itself and the day before. had another sleepless night yesterday.
but hey. i made a decision. i will not escape from my fears this year. i will be a giant and confront them like Ruth and Bathsheba did. nothing good will ever come out from escaping but confronting them. it is only then dat we grow as individuals and breakthrough in our lives, and not stagnate. ruiz, jia you!
over the mountains and the seas, your river runs with love for me...Labels: life lessons, responsibility
8:29 AM
