sleepless nights are on the rise.
with a 10-page script, 1 project report and 1 research report due next week, i need my time to be MULTIPLIED! not forgetting the quiz i am having 16 hours later which i have not even got down to revising.
i literary need to experience the resurrection power this Easter.
believe that it's gonna be a blast!!!
glad to have taken the time out today to meet some of my members up. fruitful time and great company! reminds me of how God always work in ways beyond me.
i'm loving my life more each day. the more grace and strength i need. the more love i have for Him. nothing more...
Labels: thoughts
12:50 AM
after reading some blogs yesterday, i felt that my blogging is getting a bit too "personal" and that i kinda stopped writing about what I have been hearing and the burdens that i've been carrying. probably a case of self-centredness at work.
note to self:
- blog more about your thoughts and what makes you tick.
- share your beliefs and principles.
- teach about what you feel needs growing in.
in the giving, the more we receive...
Labels: thoughts
11:36 PM
i feel like picking up the phone and call,
to ask the questions that i have once and for all.
i feel the urge to call it all off
and confront everything face-off.
i know we all need to do what we must
to lay it all down till the last
surrendering this area every single day
reminding myself that i'm Yours and not my own
it shakes me up from time to time
and reminds me of the dimes
those that i would give for the thoughts of yours
and how it would go on for hours
my heart can only take one
just that one and no other
my soul longs for more of You each day
to ask of You to fill and complete me every day
my flesh is laid but for this cause
where i find myself lost in Your love
and all i want is simply more of you....
it has been quite a long while since i last felt this way.
but i'm learning - i'm learning patience and submission.
i don't always have to know how things are and how they will turn out.
trust. trust in God. keep trusting. learning to trust.
and i pray that God, keep me away from all the bees and butterflies.
i am not interested in having a garden.
You know that i'm not ready for the bloom.
neither do i want to bloom.
i just want to keep on at what i have been feeling strongly in my heart to do.
to put my hands into the field and do all the work that needs to be done.
grant me wisdom to relate to people without giving them the wrong ideas and motives.
help me to draw clearer boundaries and draw distances.
a good reputation can never be bought and once tarnished would cost us our entire lives to build it up once again...
Labels: struggles, thoughts
1:33 AM
day of random meetings...
only attended 2 lectures today cause the other 2 was cancelled, but had loads of fun meeting up the different ones.
enjoyed catching up with angie over lunch. marche's crepe is yummylicious since it is topped with fresh cut strawberries. and i also got my favorite rosti with whipped cream from there! talked about many many things together. looking forward to meeting her up again next week for bs also!
and finally got to see daniyal after a looooong holiday break. looking forward to have him join the ntu peeps more often this sem. :D
tuition today with william was great fun despite my sleepiness. work hard and you'll see improvements in your results! he is really really smart!
saw jingzhou on my way out. goodness me! his haircut is really drastic that it took me 3 whole minutes to recognize him!!! imagine the surprise of the rest of the cg tmr. haha. he's cute! walked all the way from bukit batok to teck whye station with him. enjoyed the time catching up with him.
and on the train ride home, i actually saw TAIGONG!!!
it's rather funny how we were trying to meet each other up for our business matters but just never happened and saw each other on our way back. hehe. glad to have heard him share his life with me in some ways. taigong, jiayou!
whoo! and Cecilia shared a very exciting piece of news with me today! believing with her for greater things to come in the months ahead! and believing for the same to happen for my cg in the next few months too! *excited* you go girl!
and something else Min shared spurred me thinking...
what would i actually do upon graduation?
would i go on to pursue a masters or phd? or would i just start working?
prolly need to start thinking and planning, eben though it is still two and a half years' away...
PRAY!!!
Labels: dailys, inspiration, thoughts
12:30 AM
being back in singapore is almost an entirely different story from korea.
korea was very much like another version of SOT, the immersion programme kind.
what i really caught on was the simple childlike faith of the people. they just believed God in prayer. a trap that all of us fall into as we grow into sophistication is the increased tendency to want to seek our own solutions to our problems, and very often, quick fixes.
we kind of wrestle the lordship and right into our own hands, wanting to see where it will lead next. but yet, many will just end up in frustration.
i want to learn how to love God with such simplicity in faith - the kind that knows that God will make it happen. i am going to be a joyful Christian. unashamed of my faith, living it out everyday!
Labels: inspiration, thoughts
9:56 AM
enjoyed very much the time that i spent with myrna today albeit short. it is really really nice to have a sister to go along with you to places you need to go and do the things that you need to do. it is no longer so alone. looking forward to the fellowship again next tuesday!
and i'm thankful for ying that wld want to head back together. although i am really tempted to just be a loner, the fellowship home did sth to my heart. it is actually far better to go home together than alone. it is really a time of secret-sharing and also a time to inspire one another. thanks babe!
the word today at the meeting just spoke to me again and again at different points. the love of God that that touches us all so deeply but yet many of us have yet to experience this fullness. the very fullness of the love of God that forgave us even right before we make those mistakes. i take comfort in knowing that God loves me through all in all even when i screwed up big time in my life. He has not stopped speaking through His word and through people and things. His love for me just keeps me in awe. there is nothing in my life that i desire more than Him now, for me to be completed in His love. though i'm still struggling, i know that there is a love that i can always fall back on. indeed when much has been forgiven, much more is the love experienced. i have experienced much this two months and that probably explains what i've been seeing in the cg. though i get discouraged from time to time, God has His ways of bringing me back up again. pretty much still trying to comprehend the limitless of God's love. God, won't you show me the revelation of the cross? Help me to love people as of how You did and being able to forgive all the offenses and murmurring that has been made.
from the same message, i felt the need deep in my heart to seek for forgiveness from a few people that i've grieved and hurt in the past few months. the people that i treasure and i love. i seem to be standing at the brink of a new chapter of my life right now, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to do. in fact, i do feel very very weird in my heart. but i've been affirmed of His faithfulness and love towards me and that He will show me the way and that He will be as timely as He has always been. i once again need the very grace that He has put in my life that has got me to where i am today. mistakes i've made are many but yet He has always been so gracious. keep me from falling again and let me lean in full dependence on You, seeing the things that You see...
一向都无厘头的我是应为你的爱和恩典才会有今天的我。让我继续每天靠着你的恩典走下去。
let us bear fruits of God's love and love our very own...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
reading the post on Pastor Kong on belonging to God really affirms it all - nevertheless I am continually with You; You hold me by Your right hand (Ps 73:23). His presence never leaves us nor forsakes us. and having just hung up with Jo over the phone and reading the blog post, it just keeps me wondering how on earth can God be so timely. but it all tells me that this is how my God is like - a father who knows what his children needs best and offers them right on time, with maximized impact. made a few decisions as i conversed with joy and as she prayed for me, tears flowed once again, touched by His very presence. i know that these decisions made / going to be made are not easy but necessary for me to move on and grow. and now, it is back to prayer and communion with Him on my own...
i love you , i love you, i love you and my heart will follow wholly after you...
Labels: thoughts
11:37 PM
was just thinking about how a friend commented on always being easily misunderstood.
on one hand, how many times do we learn to clarify or explain to the very person we love and treasure? or do we just brush it off as "they should know me well enough than that". or even at times, do we feel that they won't understand anyway so why bother trying.
and if we are the party that might have misunderstood someone else, how many times have we tried listening to the person and finding out more before we jump into conclusions? those little 'judgements' of what the case might really have been?
as i am writing this, i was reminded of what pastor said over the weekend about true relationships and true discipleships have to be tested. and i'm thankful that i'm beginning to find those relationships in my life.
with all that has been happening, i was really thankful for MY in asking me out to just go for a meal together. (i kinda don't really like big crowds) and as we spent time, the sharing just followed. i'm glad that the sharing was not limited to about me but being part of her life is really a privilege. her sharing has helped me gain additional perspective to how everything is and insights into her life. i appreciate the listening ear and affirmation that she gave in the need to vocalise it out. people know but how much they know of the true extent is another story, esp if you don't tell them.
i really want to build deeper relationships and discipleships in my life. God, help me to manage my expectations and learn to be open once again. help me to learn to take initiatives once again although i really hate it. help me to be true to my emotions with my friends - i don't need to always carry a strong front. i do too get tired, discouraged and emotional. they are not negative but platforms for me to grow and become a better person. i just want to be who that God has created me to be and wants me to become...
and all in all, let's become a little less misunderstood by ppl that we love and care for and also be slower to jump into conclusions and form those 'judgements'...
nothing matters in this world without You...
Labels: friends, relationships, thoughts
9:55 AM
the weekend has been good. had loads of fellowship time with the members and saw how many of them have grown. and most importantly, how everyone can now enjoy the fellowship of each other, caring for one another and also the older ones caring for the younger ones, sending them home. i'm glad and i really am.
and as the cg embarks on the last quarter together, i'm excited for all the growth that each of them will undergo individually and all of us coporately in our love for one another. and i am now reminded of a vision that God has put into my heart sometime last year. is it really all going to happen now? i'm praying and keeping my fingers crossed. God has just been so good so good that it's getting beyond my limited understanding. but i'm loving it. it is really really an adventure!
there has been sth that i've been trying to forget. my says to stop rehearsing the moments and think of the reasons to not be reliant. i'm trying and i'll keep trying till i get it right. hate to be having all these conflicting thoughts. i cried as i prayed and i felt sth breaking inside. is this it? i hope it is...
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me was not in vain; but I labored more abundantly than they all, yet not I, but the grace of God which was with me..."
~1 Corinthians 15:10
i am not as strong as i
Labels: comfort, encouragement, milestones, thoughts
10:57 PM
was just taking the train with xt down to jw when we started to have a chat. the conversation we had got me really really inspired and also encouraged. could really feel that she spoke out of her own faith and conviction in God. it was truly sth that she has been there and done that.
the entire topic of our conversation: consecration
what is consecration to each of us? and what do we really mean when we conscreate ourselves to God? it is true that over the years, many of us have found ourselves making sacrifices to what God has called and asked of us. and continually we found ourselves giving. though there are times we wonder if it is worth it all or do we still want to continue to give.
i was caught at certain figures that xt shared with me like her having taken on a seven year vow when she was 14 and how after when she turned 21, God asked if she was willing to give another 2 years of her life unto Him. this which she did.
and as she shared about her convictions, one thing that she said that struck me very strongly is the reality how God is the only one that is a constant. as He asked of us to give unto Him, He will bring forth returns not just in eternity but also here and now in our present life. and even in the area of relationships, we ourselves can't see into the future but God alone knows all things and He is always preparing the best for us, one that is ordained for our lives. but the pre-requisite is when we give the whole of our beings, with all areas being dedicated to Him so that we are in total obedience and accordance to His will.
as i walked, i prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to live my life in greater consecration to God. i want to be able to receive God's best for my life as i give unto Him my best, not allowing anything to short circuit my destiny. help me to guide my heart and my mind diligently, no longer wavering. i want to hear and obey, not giving room for temptations. i want to be like xt to not just have the faith but live out the faith and see how God can work through my life.
i want to trust God more and lean more unto Him. and above it all, to live my life in greater consecration with full assurance that God will never shortchange me and He alones knows best!
" For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him... "
2 Chronicles 16:9a
right person. right time. the right thing. period.
Labels: decisions, inspiration, thoughts
3:12 PM
just got back from supper with mummy and uncle.
we ordered the crab congee which many times people having wanted to order never did. the congee serves three to four person but ended up almost me finishing two-thirds of it. very nicely cooked and even till the end, the congee was still warm. yummy-licious!
but am a bit bloated now. might as well, since i need to finish up curriculum and write some emails too.
new realization is that daddy's second stall is just opposite john's place. imagine that...
reminding myself that i cannot start binging again...Labels: family time, thoughts
2:10 AM
as i read an email from a dear one this morning, tears just streamed down my face. evidently being touched by her faith and courage and even more so, how God speaks through people and how much He loves me.
the past few weeks (especially the last), has been one very difficult and challenging. thankfully by His grace, i am now recovering. no longer in utter darkness and loss but i am slowing seeing the light at the end of the valley. i can't help but be in awe of how God is in control over every area of our lives and how He loving us so much intervenes through the people around us. and through it, He has shown me how much He loves me beyond all that i do or can possibly do, just loving me for who i am to him.
for this very season, i want to draw in so close to Him. it seems to be a time to really go back to to the basics and the foundations of finding Him and just loving Him for who He is also. i am beginning to comprehend more and more of salvation by grace and not by works. as we get saved, we are not called to serve endlessly but one of a deeper relationship and love for God. everything else is and should be an outflow of that very love.
i thank God for all the encounters i have had with Him all these years to keep me from making decisions that would bring me to a place of no return. it has also showed me how much God means to me and that everything should pale in comparison to my love for Him, even for a spouse in future. sometimes the best way to learn is to really experience and undergo through it all.
i look forward to greater days ahead with my greatest lover in the whole universe - my Abba Father. i have no idea how i am going to navigate out of everything but one thing i know for sure is that so long i am holding onto Him, everything will work out fine, even down to the very details.
what more can i say then that i am blessed and His grace is truly more than sufficient for me. as i look back, He has cushioned every single thing that took place with His presence and His love. what more can i ask for to Him who is considerate and love for us is so faithful? and beyond it all, He has also placed people in my life that is here for me...
to the very one who said, I'LL RUN TOGETHER WITH YOU, NOT BEHIND BUT BESIDE YOU!, it is a privilege to have you running alongside me. and you touch me in ways beyond what you can imagine. thanks for the goodies, sms-es and the love that you have been showering me with. keep on strong in your love for God and running for Him and His purposes!
i'm thankful for fellow leaders, a boss that loves me as a lil sister, friends around who are willing to just go through with me, supporting me albeit oblivious of what has been happening and is happening. 真的谢谢有你们!
and i'm also thankful to have ended a chapter of my life proper yesterday. God has granted His serenity and helped me to see the bigger picture. and i'm looking forward to start a brand new chapter for a new season of my life and even more so, a new chapter in friendship in the time to come.
being called grace is really by His graceLabels: thoughts
1:48 PM
been thinking today on how all of us appreciate the chance to explain ourselves, to clear the air of possible misunderstandings and to bridge the communication breakdowns. yet sometimes with so many pre-conceived notions and assumptions, we then begin to get fearful to thrash things out and leave things status quo. sometimes for the better, and others for the worst, which is usually the case. it is pretty much saddening for things to ever reach that stage for it eventually gets buried deep down and never mentioned again.
i am just contemplating that if one values and treasures the shared relationship, one would want to fight for the best to clear the air and explain all that has been said or done. and when i do give the people in my life this opportunity, how many of them would take that first step, that very intiative to work things out together. how many would truly value the friendship to such an extent.
yet at the end of the day, like what everyone says, that i just need to trust in God more. but deep down, i wish and i hope for people to come and clear the air with me rather than to leave things to speculation and guessing.
i'm giving myself some time (probably one week)to iron out what needs to be with God and myself. along which to make some decisions for this very season...
i wish that you would talk to me and make things clear in a bid to be fair...
Labels: friends, relationships, thoughts
4:01 AM
okay. i'm back down into a moaning mode and i'm writing to get rid of it. can't possibly carry all these feelings and go into the rest of my day, esp for CG...
always feel quite torn for cg. am really really really excited to see God move in CG today and how He is going to speak into our lives and touch our hearts and see lives change. life is always an adventure with God. and it is like a breaking forth out of what Poh taught us in iworship. i look forward to finding God in the holiest of all and help my members find Him too!
God spoke once again during the OPM. it is true that we are all called to love Him even before anything else. as we sang deeper in love and the different leaders prophesied, it brought on illumination on how God opens doors to our lives and paid the price of redemption for us once and for all, though we still struggle from time to time to grasp this.
and as i draw nearer to my birthday, i look forward to see the birthday msges coming in. but more so, i want it to be another time of consecration. and as i bade farewell to teenage years reaching the big 2, i just want to fall deeper in love with God, serving Him in a greater capacity, doing what He wills and of the desires He has put into my heart. i know that the year is only going to get better. i can sense the change and have seen changes in myself in the past year. the little girl within is growing up, just very much like the shunamite woman. i want to grow in my love to be one of mature love, tested but yet also still left yearning for more. not just waiting at where i am for God to touch me, but going forth to where God is and come into communion with Him. Song of Solomon have taught me a lot a lot a lot about love and in my wanting to pursue God. i want to be someone after God's own heart and share His heartbeat. i want to be his daughter of grace...
成长的过程虽然艰辛但成熟的果子截然值得。。。
Labels: thoughts
1:05 PM
finally one-third through my transcription.
a kinda random thought that just came to my mind earlier on following from what my friend said:
all is fair when love is war.
it then serves as a reminder that when we love someone, we would defend him/her. in other words, we would not say things that tear down the value of this person to anyone else. what we say about people and to others result in an appreciation or depreciation of the value of the person in our eyes and also affect our love for the person.
help me to become a more loving person with my words. after all, our words can be hugging someone every day.
Labels: love, thoughts
6:02 AM
just wat is the distinction between nice and good?
kk has this thing against nice guys that he wld even start a campaign to fight against them. meeting a biz owner just affirmed that nice does not equate good.
a search on the merriam-webster's dictionary revealed the background of the word nice...
from Middle English: foolish, wanton; from Anglo-French: silly, simple and from Latin nescius ignorant. and all this while, people have been using the word nice in a positive way.
nice people generally don't know how to say no and make a stand. and nice people tend to end last. it is the good that gets ahead in life.
and the theory behind this?
i'll meditate and think more about it after exams. it is good food for thought. concepts and life principles to chew on...
and now, chapter 2 of cognitive linguistics...
Labels: life lessons, thoughts
1:48 AM
my heart is feeling heavy once again. the impending decision to make. could amount to quite a lot. to shift, to stay or to transfer. it seems kinda settled as of now, sth which i don't really want see happening. but if it must, then it just gotta be. was reminded of sth that someone said on sat. i got really affected and in fact, a bit hurt. but it caused me to think about my life once again - the things i am doing and the way that i was behaving. there is really a whole lot more that i need to learn and grow into.
i guess with how i am feeling, i am particularly encouraged by pst kong's post. seems to speak right into my situation. i'm really really blessed and encouraged.
and as of why i'm still blogging with looming headlines, i like what i read while doing research. when asked to write or talk about emotional experiences, they evidenced improved physical health. so it explains it all. and like what a dear friend of mine was saying, out of physical, emotional and spiritual, emotional health can hit the other two hardest and fastest. so we really need to take care of and guard our hearts.
something randomn but makes me happy is that wanting is a cheesecake fan too! shall go all ard to eat cheesecakes after exams! whee~
Labels: friends, thoughts
12:37 AM
i'm giving myself 15 mintues to pen down some of my thoughts after finishing a paper in the wee hours of this morning, a meeting @ nebo and some curriculum writing. not forgetting the stack of books and papers that i need to read for the paper submission tmr.
for the past few days amidst the busyness, i've learnt a lot a lot of things, many of which are things that i used to practice, principles that i hold on to. and somehow due to insecurities, wanting to fit in and a whole lot of other reasons, i lost it. but i'm glad that i'm learning them again - how to live my life more humanly with joy and grace.
one of the thing i realized as we grow older is the loss of resilience that we used to have a s a child. looking at a toddler learning to walk sure teach us a lot about life. although they wobble and fumble and fall down time and time again, doesn't it make you wonder why is it that even when they fall, they will just get up again and minutes after start chasing you again in their wobbly-fumbly state? in fact, they seldom cry. they know that they are loved and embraced just as they are. they don't feel the need to have themselves covered up and protected. they have a larger-than-life esteem. and part of why they could grow in such a way is also attributed to the people that forms their environment. since when do we scold a two-year old kid stupid? since when do we get so angry and frustrated with them and start yelling at them?
my answer is almost never. people are so much more gracious towards their young ones before all the expectations starting setting in (i'm not even going into if they are realistic or not). we place confidence in them, giving them opportunities to keep trying and even when they fail, they are still fully accepted for who they are. and no matter what happens, we are encouraging and cheering them on. it is saddening how fear has gripped the hearts of many - fear of doing things wrong, fear of fumbling and fear of facing up to the truth.
many of them has so much potential that is within them but yet remains untapped. being bonded by fear, doubts and uncertainties being one of them. what has really stopped them in their tracks? and what has stopped you in your track?
i feel that all of us need cheerleaders in our lives just as our parents were. people used to call me naive, being overly optimistic and positive, to the extent of being unreal. but what's wrong with that if i really geniunely believe in what i say. when i say that i believe you can do it, there is no second guessing that you can't in my heart. i know the world is imperfect and many times things don't go our way. but does this then entitles us to just sit there and wait for things to fall into place to do something, to influence change? just like when we were babies, we didnt wait for a perfect divine moment to start walking, we just did it. and in our lives now, even as a young adult, we just need to do it at times and not miss the moment - the opportunity toi live our lives to the fullest.
let us all learn to be cheerleaders in our lives. our compliments and words of encouragement/affirmation have seemed to be substitued by sacarsam and criticisms. the next time you criticise, think how is it empowering the person to become better. if it isn't, then just hold your peace. if it is not going to add to someone's life, it is very likely that it will subtract or even divide someone's life up. all of us can help each of us become better people and cheerleaders by learning to say thank you, sms our appreciation or even telling someone 'you can do it'. to qualify myself, please mean it from your heart. you won't want someone to feel that you are doing for the sake of doing it. and if we need to 'criticise', let's learn to say it in love, giving positive and constructive feedback and not to judge, condemn or tear down someone's ego. and together, we can have a much more loving and conducive environment to become better people to change our world and society.
it is only human to want to be stroked and loved. wei once told me that everyone needs a few hugs today to be NORMAL and 14 hugs daily to become better. hugs need not be physical, but also verbal. our words of encouragements act like hugs to people. they are love units depositer.
we can all become more loving people!
p.s. i need my share of hugs too. not just to give but to receive.
thanks yang and alicia for the hugs!
Labels: life lessons, love, thoughts
5:33 PM
once again, i'm at a new start, a new beginning.
cause me never to forget this day of the decision made, the time shared and the prayer prayed.
and now, i shall stand stronger than before, clearer of what is and what is not.
help me to trust in what i feel, the instincts that was and now is.
and to trust that each new day your love, grace, mercy, compassion and wisdom will come afresh and see us through the long walk that i'm taking...
Labels: decisions, thoughts
10:15 AM
i was just reminded at meeting yesterday that it is time that we really roll up our sleeves and get ourselves into the field and get ourselves dirty. but yet, it is also the greatest time of our lives, being personally involved in the process and not just seeing the fruits. in the field, you may get hurt, pricked and tired but yet it is when one's attitude and character get shaped and moulded. in the testing, we get refined, becoming better people, better lovers and better leaders. i want to get down to field work and be involved. i want to be a Peter and a steward and raise up more stewards who are like Peter. for you, i'll go the distance. for you, i'll go to the centre of it alll...
Labels: discipleship, thoughts
11:31 AM
在睡眠不足的情况下，我会有开始胡思乱想的倾向，心情也会跟着变得很糟。看到自己丑陋的一面。可是美好的事是睡醒后，整个人又恢复了动力，变得较positive， 做起事来也比较起敬，乐观多了。俗话说得好，休息的确是为了走更长远的路。
蕊蕊，加油努力找到自己的平衡点。
Labels: thoughts
3:27 PM
